The Comprehension Watch

The Comprehension Watch by Remy Alberi

The Comprehension Watch

Poems

Remy Alberi

To Anastasia,

Thank you for helping me to stay sane

during the season of gaslighting.

Beautiful. Talented. Magical. Cosmical.

Thank you for never withholding your light,

Thank you for keeping the spark in me alive,

Here’s to never running out of ideas and coffee!

Contents

I stopped at the café

this fall is blessed

self-love redesigned

first snowflakes

take time to explore your anger

I remember the dawn

establish the rules

last night you had a visitor

you make it happen

wondered the pocket universe

toxic shame

hard to fit in

born by accident

when you return to Gaia

Twenty First Lothlórien

all set

the hour of the wolf

runaway

maybe I won the mega jackpot

I’m mad at you

Hiddlebum

leave the mire of affection

shattered teacups

Mad Hatter

abandonment depression in the morning

loss of innocence

gaslighting in therapy

the healing journey

biology of healing

the season of mind games

meta

a season of anger

vipers in the cradle

if you are going through hell…

six stages of recovery from gaslighting

biology of abuse

empath with a screwed up vagal brake

retrograde amnesia

everybody plays this game

sleepwalker

when you ‘people-please, self-sabotage and abandon yourself’, what if

no redemption

the superstorm

you walk your talk

valentines

Sweet November

acknowledgments

I stopped at the café

I stopped at the café

bringing in with me

the moveable feast

of my elusive rhyme;

as always belonging

to his notebook and the pencil

"I wonder, Champ..."

"No talking," he said,

"Writing time."

this fall is blessed

this fall is blessed

with twenty

curses;

the third of which's

my restless

mind.

self-love redesigned

a treacherous breed corroded

the mural of your desire

to care for yourself;

you redesign it then,

you put it back on plaster,

you draw together the Watch of

Comprehension;

the outline of healing.

first snowflakes

the first snowflakes caress

the love lace of dying leaves,

'tis night to reinvent the meaning;

for the past was only a preface,

for the endings beget the beginnings;

are you pained enough to embrace

your part in thy long-coming piece?

does it hurt to merge the DNA of

Punisher with the one of a lover?

take time to explore your anger

take time

to explore

your anger

restore the

#innocence

of calling out

the wrongness.

I remember the dawn

I remember the dawn;

amid praising sunbeams

you were standing all tall

on the top of the hill,

radiating resolve

with the reason ablaze,

having learned to walk and talk

all anew and again

just the damned night before;

a graduate of the maze,

humbly tasting the litany

of her enemies' screams.

establish the rules (NaNoWriMo 2021)

Establish the rules,

set up a system,

turn off for the season

the inner censor of yours;

You'll reunite with her later

at the December altar

to celebrate your devotion,

and every battle you've fought.

(photo from personal archive, January 2021)

last night you had a visitor

last night

you had a visitor;

the promise of

a brand new chapter

left her

fingerprints

all over your

awareness

for you to CSI

and hack the

code of hope.

you make it happen

you make it happen,

source,

originate;

tenacious, forging,

brewing,

and summoning;

don't try to get it perfect,

just get it

down.

wandered the pocket universe

runaways barefoot

wandered the pocket universe

stone-paved,

dyeing the path red,

they were to freeze to death;

lucky to have

thorns in the cuts,

enough to build a campfire.

toxic shame

Toxic shame

is a

body flashback

to the moment someone

hurt you

badly

and gaslighted you

into believing

it was okay

or

well-earned.

hard to fit in

it is hard to fit in after being through gilead

but you won't see her sugarcoat the gospel

born by accident

born by accident

greeted by no one

cherished by rare

recognized by a batch

appreciated by few

loved by the best

you win.

when you return to Gaia

when you return to Gaia

your stories will be here

to comfort the afflicted,

and to afflict the comfortable;

to beacon, shedding light,

disturbing, calling out,

and making all

the difference.

Twenty-First Lothlorien

I dare you to graduate

from Twenty First Lothlórien

with a Master's in transmuting

your darkest tainted years

into your brightest

lines.

all set (Preptober 2021 finale)

all set to explore what my mind

has been keeping from me all this time;

life-giving hurt.

the hour of the wolf

the hour of the wolf,

my protected time,

it's neatly designed

to feed up one's mind;

sit down and write.

runaway

A stationery clip warrior,

the knight of monthly reports,

he daydreams of Calypso

greeting Odysseus.

Office tsunami be damned,

he leaves behind

a fleet of doubts, defies

the high sea.

Runs into Neptune announce

a guileful ordeal,

"Are you led by despair,

Or spellbound?"

maybe I won the mega jackpot

maybe I won the mega jackpot

the night I was born with a gift in this land

because in the wake of ultimate truth

regimes come and go

where Pasternak, Akhmatova, and Tolstoy

abiding forever.

I'm mad at you

I'm mad at you,

so fucking mad

for saying stupid things

like, "cool!

it would be awesome

if you survive

and visit me someday"

right after, crucified,

I told you,

only you,

“there is no one at my side,

it's minutes till the end”,

with, oh, so tired mind

deserted of capacity

to make up an escape plan,

or cry for help.

Hiddlebum

The trust is being

Earned, not given,

I’ve never been good

At that;

I’ve never built a single

Sandcastle,

Let alone the beacon —

I ain’t a friggin’ Cumberbatch.

leave the mire of affection

here, break the connection,

leave the mire of affection,

and,

I ain't gonna lie,

your spirit won’t survive,

the spark will not be revived;

there, enjoy self-deception.

shattered teacups

we tasted wine

served in shattered teacups;

I fancy your skin stained red.

the grace of denial,

no telling dream from a lie;

sent astray soul whisperers

guarding vows unsaid.

Mad Hatter

Everyone wore a hat in his restless sleep lacking any hashtag or a content warning. Artsy, way over-decorated hats. Bizarre.

None of which could aid him in escaping the nightmare of his wake hours.

That night he started mapping the other route to retire from hell.

Mad Hatter diary, Hellvember 8

abandonment depression in the morning

when you feel like

crawling back into bed

blocking out the world

and everything

you considered exciting

and 'oh, I want it so badly!'

less than eight hours ago

chances are

this is not your fault

chances are

it's an implicit memory

from the trauma time

when your nervous system had experienced

a failure of the defense response

to assure safety

when your trust was betrayed

by others

maybe it's your hero journey

to help your nervous system

make it through the flashback.

self-love redesigned

a treacherous breed corroded

the mural of your desire

to care for yourself;

you redesign it then,

you put it back on plaster,

you draw together the Watch of

Comprehension;

the outline of healing.

loss of innocence

you are grieving

the loss of innocence

only if you've endured

some sort of manipulation

when you were left with the sense of

being overpowered, used, and betrayed;

but being with someone

worthy of your trust

you celebrate

you feel triumphant;

the difference between trauma

and the experience that builds

the resilience and well-being;

we are only as safe as

the people we have in our lives. 

gaslighting in therapy

There is nothing MALadaptive about the

fixed mindset,

learned helplessness,

Cinderella/Snow white syndrome,

oversensitivity,

fragile self-esteem,

negative self-concept,

social anxiety,

avoidance,

resistance,

self-isolation,

shying away from connections,

vulnerability,

over intellectualization,

survival mode,

hypervigilance,

hair-triggered flee/fight/freeze/fawn response,

people-pleasing,

co-dependency,

poor boundaries,

self-abandonment,

self-sabotage,

harsh inner critic,

addiction to approval,

external locus of control,

excessive unfettered altruism,

inability to say "No" and

so-called "unhealthy coping mechanisms".

TRAUMA-adaptive, they are.

Shame that gaslighting in therapy is still a thing. 

the healing journey

Gonna take it

Day by day.

You?

biology of healing

Biologically,

any flashback is a

bunch of fragments of

a defense response that

appeared to be ineffective

or wasn't completed properly;

biologically,

healing is about

bringing to completion

the recuperation and

integration stages of the

ineffective and uncompleted

defense responses,

and building

a collection of

acts of triumph and

moments of efficiency,

competence, and mastery.

Well,

biologically,

healing

sounds

dang

totes

doable.

An oracle from a survivor.

the season of mind games

the season of mind games left you believing

the universe was void of anything akin to good

for you;

the weave was thick, the stakes were high:

the soul treasures never spent, despair for a legacy.

dead set on getting out alive,

you have acquired

hella lots of knowledge

on red flags;

you've caused a gap in data quality

that formed the inner storm;

she tore apart the suffocating spell,

and set you free;

rebirth, self-signified.

meta

she didn't strike them as a marketable one,

she wasn't 'tourable' or whatnot,

with all the dissociative episodes and stuff;

she chose to neglect her fears for a change,

when she got curious about

what else she is capable of.

take time to explore your anger

take time

to explore

your anger

restore the

#innocence

of calling out

the wrongness.

a season of anger

these days

I got rather intimate with

my sympathetic chain;

after being treated

like a biblical sand

for decades

I ain't gonna skip

my season of anger,

no way.

vipers in the cradle

the prophecy taking shape

of dozen vipers

in the cradle;

betrayal envenoming everything

dear to me;

Is this forever?

what if my land can be healed

with the grief

I have never allowed myself to feel?

what if the trees I treasured

will arise

calling off the day they were killed?

what if I see a reason,

a stubborn one,

to stay here?

like Moses that night

I welcome the omens inside

by crossing back to the River.

I remember the dawn

I remember the dawn;

amid praising sunbeams

you were standing all tall

on the top of the hill,

radiating resolve

with the reason ablaze,

having learned to walk and talk

all anew and again

just the damned night before;

a graduate of the maze,

humbly tasting the litany

of her enemies' screams.

wandered the pocket universe

runaways barefoot

wandered the pocket universe

stone-paved,

dyeing the path red,

they were to freeze to death;

lucky to have

thorns in the cuts,

enough to build a campfire.

if you are going through hell...

...study how your nervous system is wired,

why it is the way it is,

and what you can do about it;

what/who can

and what/who can not

be a part of the solution.

It was a game-changer for me.

six stages of recovery from gaslighting

Recurring hurt,

a fiancée of mine;

walking on eggshells,

dressed to kill;

here,

your ribbons of Despair,

your bows of helplessness,

your vows of hopelessness.

The psychoEducation curve,

the aha moments,

laughs and cries,

cuddling the painful truths:

they were never at your side.

A honeymoon of Awakening

foreshadows the breakthrough:

the joke wasn't on you;

life after being through deliberate

haunting

isn't out of reach,

it can be served as your next

cup of cheer.

A runaway bride,

a treasure hunt rookie.

Setting healthy Boundaries fortifies

your love and care for

your well-being;

feels like a dragon lair at times,

don't quit,

you're almost there.

Restoration of what was lost during

the murky season of mind games;

it takes time,

put in the effort,

don't be spooked by the process:

it's a treasure trove itself.

Now, Maintain.

biology of abuse

The mammalian nervous system;

the hierarchy of responses,

a maypole for

co-regulation

and self-regulation.

See, abusing is a way to

co-regulate,

for a

patch of

not-exactly-humans.

See, persuading an abuser to

quit abusing is like

trying to

convert a predator

into a vegan. 

empath with a screwed-up vagal brake

Being empathic isn't the same as

being regulated and

socially engaged.

An empath with a screwed-up vagal brake

is such a common thing.

A sucker for a co-regulation via

making someone feel like a piece of ****,

is a daily case either.

retrograde amnesia

I'm grateful for the retrograde amnesia

for recollection of the prior Hades,

the Cronus-blessed incessancy of crippling,

is quite the matter

I

can live without;

I've got a fill of the implicit

memory, such trigger-tender,

to solve through art, and body

practices, and trauma talk,

the Reminiscence?

I

am opting out.

hard to fit in

it is hard to fit in after being through gilead

but you won't see her sugarcoat the gospel

everybody plays this game

I'm playing hide and seek with pain

in an empty cold cell,

now, I’m scattering salt gray

over wounds dyed with shame;

dark enveloping the bay

by the kingdom's heart remains,

save a gaze over the edge;

everybody plays this game. 

sleepwalker

under the dying star

you sleepwalk over to

my unconditional love

then back to

your mirror distortions...

stay.

the first snowflakes caress

the first snowflakes caress

the love lace of dying leaves,

'tis night to reinvent the meaning;

for the past was only a preface,

for the endings beget the beginnings;

are you pained enough to embrace

your part in thy long-coming piece?

does it hurt to merge the DNA of

Punisher with the one of a lover?

last night you had a visitor

last night

you had a visitor;

the promise of

a brand new chapter

left her

fingerprints

all over your

awareness

for you to CSI

and hack the

code of hope.

when you "people-please", “self-sabotage” or "abandon yourself"

What if

you are just triggered and flashbacking (bottom-up hijacked) to a constellation of trauma-related action tendencies a.k.a. a younger/past version of you (due to a range of the ineffective and uncompleted defense responses encoded as trigger-sensitive implicit memories)?

Not your fault.

What if

all the "Dos & Don'ts", though inspiring and empowering sometimes, are only an attempt at the top-down (cognitive, evolutionary latest level of info processing) regulation of the bottom-up hijacking (sensorimotor level, evolutionary oldest and strongest)?

Triggers out hope and resolve; lacks in the lasting effect department.

What if

studying how your Nervous System is wired, esp. after trauma, and learning to recognize trauma-related action tendencies for what they are, can be truly liberating and enriching solutions-wise?

No "Dos & Don'ts" here, just sharing my personal experience.

The neurobiological lenses, as trauma-informed as it gets.

(Adapted from Porges' Polyvagal theory, Janet's Psychology of action, Nijenhuis & van der Hart's Structural Dissociation Model)

no redemption

I will never forgive myself

for playing russian roulette with your life,

I will never forgive myself

for cherishing our bond just not enough,

no mercy for the traitors,

no redemption for the come-what-may believers.

Rest in peace, Daisy.

Killed by a car on December 7, three months after her 1st birthday. So sweet and lovely baby girl. You will be terribly missed. 

the superstorm

you're stuck in the superstorm,

you are chained up, immobilized

by sky tears, the iced,

with a heartless hostess to perform.

in a pentahedron of darkness

you are lost to the daylight

amid the chaos, supervised;

forgotten the bisected harness.

she's muting your nomadic thoughts,

and soothing away your cries;

in the middle of an entreprise

exiles carrying out a waltz.

you're in the belly of the element,

her valentine, her chromosome;

congratulations! you are home

when you're stuck in the superstorm. 

you walk your talk

You walk-your-talk, you harvest

the mini acts of triumph,

recuperate and integrate

your nervous system's present time

organization of the past,

the way the inescapable mistreatment

replaced your human longing to connect

with self-protection patterns on default;

You name your triggers, learn to

manage your flashbacks, you master

grounding techniques,

and all that jazz

until primroses heralding your win-win,

and all that seems so hard today

becoming your warm-up.

born by accident

born by accident

greeted by no one

cherished by rare

recognized by a batch

appreciated by few

loved by the best

you win.

valentines

Hypothetically,

When fireworks speak in a whisper

And leaves in November turn buffalo check,

I'll quit being grateful for your existence;

Until such a BS

I love you

To Alpha Centauri

And back.

Sweet November

I'd implore our sweet

November to last forever,

given half a chance.

Acknowledgments

My partner-in-rhyme of 7 years, #WritingCommunity and #vss365 on Twitter,

Thank you for being so supportive and awesome!

© Anastasia Shidlovskaya, 2016-2021

https://www.instagram.com/nastashid/

Thank you for reading!

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