My Twisted Promises

I

your soft and pale and fragile neck under the rusting touch of my bloodied rope

i keep on pretending i have lost track

to keep finding you, my cold Shining, my music, my sweet tortured hope.

i will consume your whole existence so that you will always be a part of me.

(с) 2016

II

"So what am I? Your entertainment, your fun? Your huntress? Your backup plan?"

His hands slid down his pockets as he said with the roguish grin, "Why, you can be all of it".

And the moment the Damned Queen wanted to snap his bones, shred him to pieces, he spoke again.

"You are my salvation."

(с) 2017

III

"You think I don't know how these stories end up written?" he said, a sea of bitterness in his voice, "I am the antagonist, The Deceiver, The One Who Steals Dreams. I am a thief who stole the soul of a Queen and corrupted it to my liking. I am a demon, and I will meet a bad end."

He almost flinched as her hand touched his.

"You seem to forget corrupted beasts tend to fight paladins to the last breath. And I will fight with all my corruption."

"That's how people turn villains, you know," - he said, almost smiling.

"Makes us even then."

(с) 2017

IV

He ran a hand through his hair, blood-red and so vibrant it seemed liquid. He made her look like blood, too - not like the Queen hadn't looked like it before.

"Everything feels so... serene."

The Sleeper traced her gaze, smiling as he'd planned it. She was not sure he had anything to do with it, however.

"Yeah, that's kinda common when you wipe the border clean. Brings some peace to the weary kingdom."

"More likely 'makes you a villain', you know."

His smile turned into a grin.

"Oh, but evil deeds are so much more fun! Besides," - he said, covering the horizon with reddish, hopeless gloom, with the very essence of despair. "You are worth every holy war they will wage on me."

(с) 2017

V

The Sleeper smiled as he clinked his glass against hers.

"You were such a terrible match. Cruel, evil, constantly suffering little thing."

The Queen snapped.

"Then why bother?!"

His words were a lethal caress as he said, "I found myself unable to resist the temptation."

(с) 2017

VI

withering, crumbling, and still able to stand, you were my beacon when even stars made no light.

a mere dim reflection, I followed the path set by your hand, your remembrance

through blinding

blood-soaked

night

VII

"This moment shaking in my hands

I'll share this secret for a chance

Just to be here with you

Just to get lost with you"

...now I can't stop whispering to myself, do they even know?

Can any of them comprehend, how deeply, how truly are you mine?

You are mine.

Oh, they have no clue.

Every sweet little day, every fragile second of yours belongs to me. They may have you when you allow it, but in that tasty, hellish abyss of your soul... you are mine.

You are mine.

I caught you, I swallowed you whole. I know you, how few do, no matter how many you had before me. I don't care. Why should I? I tasted you in ways no one could before. That's how I knew - that woman I want to own. That one I've been looking for my whole life.

Oh, how they are mistaken if they think anyone can have you as I have now. You are mine. Forever.

And the secret? Why am I so sure?

Simple.

As much as you are mine, I belong to you. I am that dark stranger those warnings prepared you for, but instead of everything logical, I fell for you, I threw myself into the fire, into you, and let myself burn.

I am yours.

And this way, I win. I win you by surrendering.

I am yours.

Take me whole and never let go.

(с) 2018

VIII

He was painted with the strokes of blue today, slow and calm as the static sea. There were letters in his hands, their letters - those of past personalities he'd worn, of countless shells he'd emerged from; of many people he'd been with.

"I see these still matter to you," the Queen said, her voice utterly uninterested. She was not entirely sure her act was believed.

"Everything matters, Princess sugar."

She felt anger. Anger, and jealousy, and regret.

"Should I leave you then? To your all-perfect, timeless memories?"

The Sleeper blinked, his eyes so blue now they almost seemed purple.

"What..."

"I guess you don't require me with them. Since you prefer memories to me since I'm not good enough to be of need."

A firm cold hand gripped her face - enough to make her look at him, enough to hurt. "Don't you ever think that," he said, glowing with anger almost livid, "Don't you dare"

(с) 2017

IX

my heart, my heart

my drowning heart

oh all the tears I've cried

as I lied there, crippled and weak, I thought of being lost.

I wasn't the only one lost in the Sleeping Land. In fact, I was the first one of many.

I am the Sleeper, and I am the one who drowns souls in despair. And in my somber, I was alone.

I thought so.

...but one soul lied anxious wide awake

fearing no manner of ghouls, hags, and wraiths.

We grew like creeping vines,

Strangling our hearts and minds.

I've found it amusing. Your pretty rose vines were just as lovely when they wrapped tightly over my limbs to shatter my bones.

It was deadly, and deep, and beautiful, the way you looked at me. And as I took you in my bloodied hands, I knew I would never let go.

No matter how many evil things my hands have done, they'll still carry you to sleep. I've opened my Sleeping Land to you, Oh-But-a-Queen, I've welcomed you to my drowned kingdom.

Together, we'll make the lost lives bloom.

(с) 2020

X

увядая, крошась, но держась из последних сил, без звездного света я видел в тебе спасительный свой маяк я лишь отражение проложивших мне путь светил, рожденных памятью о тебе, когда вокруг слепящий кровью пропитанный мрак

(Попытка перевода VI элемента этого сборника для Ленивой Панды)

XI

Crying darkness of green, he promised me life, He promised salvation, the softness of dawn A fortress of lies he built, chained hard-bone hive of deceit and of ploys it was, me being his pawn

(Элемент истории "Темная Охота", вдохновленный неопределенными, сложными, надрывно-недосказанными отношениями между героиней и ее другом-тайным агентом)

XII

Her shine is like elegance, fear, regret She cries oil paint, seeing sounds of life I feel something grow in me. I'm voicing my threat to my... independence? I'll make her my wife

(Элемент истории "Предзнаменования" о разрастающихся против воли чувствах между героиней-агентом, расследующей мистику в маленьком городке, и шпионкой теней со своими скрытыми мотивами)

XIV

sickness-driven Gods of Mercy made me dance and dance away all my sorrows gone in reverse all my pain forbid me say how I hunted hunted hunted made the world shiver and shake at my fingertips, blood-covered, sweet and wrong and used to break necks and swords and souls and bodies enemies and friends and more. I am used to it, be honest I’m Eldana. I Am War.

(элемент-вдохновение о Синице -- одном из трех ведущих мужских персонажей цикла Circles out of Salt)

XV

I left you shattered and ashamed, alone and bitter in my world, and still, you managed, yet again, to write in blood your perfect name, becoming quickly what I hold most dearest, most revered, as sun, as moon, and I'm undone

when you stay strong, unmoved, stone-cold I cry and speak of my regrets. you warm your way through deepest depths, through wicked nets of my entwined and weakened soul

I wish I was your knight, your light, instead I feed on you myself

forgive me, love, I am the night

Eldana chooses where I delve

(элемент-вдохновение об Эрлите -- одном из трех ведущих мужских персонажей цикла Circles out of Salt)

XVI

what can change the way how nature made me feel so trapped, ashamed, desecrate the very being I believed that I have tamed? I devoured suns and oceans of all love showered on me, I was blind enraged and hollow, ravenous nightmarish beast; I was running far from freedom, I locked up myself in chains; I made pacts with inner daemon, I accepted all the pain still curled up within the very deep and bottomless abyss of a soul that used to follow Brother’s voice as sacred bliss

what if I could save my dearest and not fall entwined by curse? what if I was made for different?

by Eldana I’m coerced

(элемент-вдохновение о Келе -- одном из трех ведущих мужских персонажей цикла Circles out of Salt)

XVII

Violation. It's the only thing I could do to save him — violate him, ravish his soul.

What could I do? Forcing my will on him, forcing myself on him, I... I could never. I could never do this. Could I? How can I just sit here and watch him laying himself open for this? Molestation. Abuse. Ruination. Again, and again, and again. I can't. I have all the power to render this land to blood and cinder, and here I am, helpless to save my own brother.

Do I even have the right to be this idle? I wasn't even supposed to live, and here I am. Alive because of my weak pureblood brother throwing himself to fire to keep me warm.

I have no right to exist while he suffers.

My life for his life. Myself for his stability. Do I have the right to doubt? I can stop this. One step over myself for his sake. For his sanity, for his soul.

Forcing my will on him... just once, so he would never be able to sell himself again. One little overstep. Once. Just once. Raping him. Raping his very essence, violating his mind, desecrating his soul. Once, to make him protected forever.

Do I have the right to stay still when I can stop this? I never did this to those close to me. I never forced myself on anyone but Eldana herself. But I am having my way with Eldana, I am the monster they want to see me be. I am never saving myself from being... this. So what's the point of keeping myself decent when one small overstepping the bounds would save those I love?

Love. I love him. Gods, I love him. Hurting him once to save him — this is worth everything I'll kill within me. This would be the Unforgivable Crime. This would be rape. Just to his soul and mind, not his body.

One last time. So he's never touched against his will again.

(По циклу "Соляные Круги на Кровавом Снегу")

XVIII

After all, if you aren't willing to kill for it — how important can it be?

These words sank deep now. Every second her mind left her questioning Shannlys's motives she just ended up with his words. Back then they seemed extreme but true for the anteannae, those born of emotions and desires. She felt the trueness of these words, too — no reason to lie to herself, she was willing to kill for those she loved. And still...

Her gaze kept returning to Aelisar. To his porcelain skin with thin cracks of darkness at the jawline — the jawline so sharp he could kill with it. To his graphite hair, still messy after the fight, all tangled up and slightly longer than it seemed back at the Court of Reflections. To his shimmering pearly-gold eyes watching everything in the damned house with a curiosity of an innocent newborn animal.

He killed all these people. He killed them for her. He also ripped the ravenborn into shreds to keep her safe. And yet, back at the Dark Courts he never resorted to bringing death unless he had no other choice. And there was always another choice.

Nobody would ever dare say he didn't love his people. He loved them with everything he was.

"Am I too lost?" — his voice startles her. She blinks, unaware of the fact he's been eyeing her for a moment already. — "You keep having this look..."

"No. I mean..." — she knows she's unable to hold a smile. "You seem lost. It feels so... absurd."

He blinks. Then laughs.

"I am absurd?.."

"You've always been this... all-knowing, all-powerful creature, and now..."

"There's plenty of things I've never been able to see or experience, Thorn. I've never felt anything you've always had. I had mirrors to look at the world but... without a chance to feel things I never wanted to seek more. I never wanted to know there's more. Until I met you."

Her face feels hot. Her blood boils. She has to bite her tongue to keep calm.

"I had nothing to interest you with."

"You had everything." He says, smiling with that bitter shade of sadness on his pale lips. "You were everything. You are."

"Stop it."

"You are, Thorn. To me, you're everything — and more."

(По "Витражи Резных Сердец")

XIX

"I wish we had it." His voice is soft, pain passing through it like a silver lining. Thorn feels her heart sinking deeper and deeper but she reaches for her anger to keep herself afloat. "Stop it." "I am serious, Thorn. I wish we..." "What?! What could we have, Aelisar?" He looks her in the eyes. His lips part as if he has the words for her. He has to have them — after all, it's him, Erratt Tuireann, the deathless, the fearless, the void incarnate. But then he just turns away. "...Everything," he says after a pause. "We could've had it all."

(По "Витражи Резных Сердец")

XX

Her fingers dig deep into his messy graphite hair. Her lips part against her better judgment, and he kisses her hard, hunger and desperation driving him mad. She has no words for what they feel, for what they share — the world has no words for it. Why. Why, why is he doing this. Risking everything, ruining his long-term plans, for... for what? For a lost boy from a circus, just because she shed a tear after him? She should've stopped him. Demanded an explanation. Instead, she lets his hands roam her body, lets his kisses undo her completely. She's out of air but parting feels like little death. Their eyes meet, and she's lost again in this pearly-gold sea. He reaches for her again, and Thorn is barely able to resist the urge to give in. "Why?" she asks nervously before his lips make her forget everything but him again. "Why risk it all..." "Thorn..." The sound of her name on his tongue sends shivers through her whole body. The way he says it — with desperation, with pain, and complete surrendering — makes her stupid heart go wild. "No. Why? You'll lose — " "I know." He chuckles, his eyes studying her face like there's nothing like it in the whole world. "I know I'm headed for the Abyss... but it feels like the universe with you. I'm ready to burn down, Thorn. I'm ready to burn down for you." "You will never do that." Her whisper is hoarse, her voice now her enemy. "You live for your people. So that you could save them." He laughs. Bitter, desperate, and eternally sad. "We. We would save them, Thorn. And knowing I have you now... I may just let the rest of the world burn if it will make you never shed a tear again."

(с) 25.04.2021

(По "Витражи Резных Сердец")

XXI

— Come in, — he says, his voice soothing, dangerously soft. — I won't bite… if you behave.

She comes as if hypnotized. The floor feels… unreal. Bouncy, half-here, delusional even. She doesn't know what captivates her more — the sound of his voice, ethereal, calming, too kind, or his beautiful face, a fresque from ancient times.

— What is your name? — he asks, slightly tilting his head in curiosity. Like he's really interested.

— Torn.

— Thorn, — he repeats in his soft accent, tasting the sound of her name on his long black tongue. She's terrified of how right it sounds. And she's pissed.

— I'm Torn, — she says angrily, but he just laughs.

— Oh, I've noticed, — he tilts his head again and smiles, — A blind man would've seen that.

(с) 2019

(По "Витражи Резных Сердец")